you were good to me - Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler

you were good to me - Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler

In my book, a memoir based on my mental illnesses, Paper Doll, I dedicated this song to my aunt, Mary.

This time I’m dedicating it, and Family Business by Kanye West, to my whole family and my friends

Every breakdown I’ve ever had, I’ve had unconditional love and support, regardless of how strange or unwell my behaviour has been.

Since twelve I’ve had: anorexia, anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, psychosis, ocd, an autoimmune disorder, and a potential identity disorder

I say potential because it has never been diagnosed, though I am 99% convinced

I am not an easy person to live/ deal with.

My brother drove me to hospital and back every day when I got 8 hour leave from being voluntary, Mary has visited every hospital in Leicester during the autoimmune period for various symptoms and tests

We once sat in a hospital throughout a Saturday night because I thought I was losing my hearing. I wasn’t

But when you start losing things you thought you would never lose, and life becomes so bizarre and things you can’t name happen to you, or change overnight - you don’t know what life could throw at you

My first round of psychosis ever happened because I had to choose protecting my family as a deal for my ocd, over protecting my face from harm. Might sound vain but I had severe anxiety over anything happening to my face. It meant not leaving the house for months at a time, i.e.: jail time

Jail time = depression

and depression reminded me of seventeen

I have been running since then, from then, always will be

“Girls are cruelest to themselves. Someone like Emily Brontë, who remained a girl all her life despite her body as a woman, had cruelty drifted up in all the cracks of her like spring snow.” ― Anne Carson, Glass, Irony and God

I am always cruelest to myself, and always the cruelest when depressed

Anyway back to family

Mum is my biggest supporter, and my very best friend

There is a quote by Virginia Woolf to her husband: “if anyone could have saved me it would have been you”

I always think of mum

When I first recovered from anorexia it was because I missed her, she was so happy when I started going to camhs (child and adult mental health services) so I persevered

Putting on weight is my least favourite thing

i despise it

It has happened to me two times, significantly

After the anorexia I gained weight, yet was still slim

After being put on medication, i went from slim to plus sized what felt like, again, overnight

Of course it wasn’t, it took weeks and months for the weight to pile on

I’ve had to adapt to a body shape and size I am not used to. It doesn’t feel like home. I don’t look at it and feel beautiful. But I have, as always, as I learnt young, learnt quickly how to sell it to society - how to advertise, and package it. Curvy, not fat. Big Boobs and thighs, not big stomach

My one act of rebellion is to wear whatever I want, regardless of what I should wear. Some things don’t conventionally suit curves but I wear whatever I feel looks good and refuse to be ashamed

Part of the weight gain journey was hospitalisation. They don’t cater for fussy eaters in hospital. You get what you’re given essentially. I went from eating little, because i was out of my mind with psychosis or as my mum puts it “away with the fairies,” to comfort eating

The other factor is that my medication causes weight gain

Then theres alcohol

Before you know it you’re a size 18

This isn’t my forever body. It’s a temporary place holder, but it’s still fighting for me and Love it regardless of weight shape or size

I think I’ll leave it there for today. I hope this blog finds you if you need it, and provides comfort, entertainment, information and helplines for those in need

Samaritans is 116 123

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