I relate to this song for a few periods of my life, and different stages of my identity disorder
First theres the social anxiety, when I joined a new school at fourteen.
I was very quiet, shy and anxious. I didn’t know how to speak to people anymore, i would congratulate myself for getting through conversations.
I was constantly biting my tongue and holding my breath. At the same time I had anorexia. So I was starving myself away too. I lost my periods and I was very robotic, just following the motions, trying to get through the day. I’d be exhausted as I walked through the school doors, having already used up all my energy for the day getting ready for school. By the time I’d done my first few classes, I’d want to skip the rest. I struggled through my GCSE’s, spending a lot of time missing classes and hiding in the nurses office - I confided everything in her and relied on her kindness a lot
In my book I use this song and others for the anxiety period, She’s Given up Talking, is another one
For me the way my anxiety manifested was about people judging me, because that’s the way my trauma, began. I’ve always gone round in circles trying to outsmart people, prevent their judgements. Wear armour (clothes) mask (make up) and guard myself against people’s opinions
Theres a good quote about just wanting people to accept you as you are
I can’t remember or find it but I found this great one
“Present over perfect living is real over image, connecting over comparing,meaning over mania, depth over artifice.” Shauna Niequist
That’s Baby to a T
She was artifice over depth, perfect living over present, and image over everything
I have so many quotes that I could include, especially from Girl Behind the Mask, I might include some
Theres’ always Maragaret Atwood - ‘You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman”
Then theres one of my favourite: Glory be to the girl who goes back for her body.
and finally, I won’t include too many today, theres:
New episode of light, come taste the wax on my heels. Taste all the forest fires I danced by. New circle of sun, my body’s ache is a healing kind, not a hurting. Don’t mistake this kiss for love. This year, my lips bleed only in golden: fake, sometimes, valuable, always. I celebrate in bouts of spit and curse, it’s the only language that gives my throat the freedom it deserves, the space it grew up fighting for. New turn of galaxy, you are every man who ever bit down too hard and made my blood seem like his and I am many pounds of grown woman and you could learn a thing or two about being afraid. written by Dear 2017 | Ramna Safeer (via inkywings)
A long one, yes, but worth including
I grew up fearful and afraid, particularly of men, from the age of twelve
It was the age I first learnt they were watching, and I developed anorexia as a result
But I’ve unlearnt so much over the years, and now at twenty five, I have a sense of who I am and what I’m capable of
I’m not a robot, or a machine, I’m a human being
The medication I’m on, the nature of my mental illnesses, do numb my feelings and emotions and prevent me from having the same rang as ordinary people
But that’s unfortunately a new normal these days, so maybe i am normal after all
Another period of my life this song reminds me of is the depression years.
So that was seventeen onwards really, at eighteen I was going out a lot, drinking too much, injuring myself, and not really resolving anything
And finally it reminds me of Baby in the sense that “you’ve been acting awful tough lately… inside you’re just a little Baby.”
I named my identity disorder after my childhood nickname, given to me bu my best friend. We went to see Dirty Dancing in the theatre, and after that she was Johnny and I was Baby
It didn’t occur to me that, because it was a childhood trauma, that was also reflected in the meaning behind the name, or that it represented a loss of innocence and at the same time a perpetual naivety
Sometimes trauma stunts your growth, and your frozen at the age your trauma happened. You can be 22 with a twelve year old mindset and survival instincts, still repeating the same cycles
Luckily I think I’m getting there with my trauma and I’m sending love and best wishes to everyone working on theirs
Samaritans is 116 123 for anyone who needs it