Wolves - Selena Gomez, Marshmello

I was looking through old photos earlier and there were so many of me as a little girl. One of them I took with me to the psychiatric ward. They are actually the photos I originally collected for Paper Doll, when I thought it would include photos, and I had them on my desk. I grabbed one of me with bunches, in a Hello Kitty dress, as I left the house for hospital.

It felt poignant and reminded me of something I was trying to get back to

However I didn’t recognise or feel a connection to the little girl in the photo. She was a stranger. I had been through a lot since that picture had been taken. And you forget your childhood to an extent

I uploaded some photos to instagram, and as the caption I put this song, because I thought of the lyric “all for you.” Originally when I listened to it I thought of that as all being for someone else. I had fought through my various battles, to reach this unknown person who I am yet to meet. And yes, it is that.

But it is also for her, the girl in the Hello Kitty dress

Everything I do, write, the dreams I chase. All for her

Now when I listen to the song I will think of her, in a cape standing in front of a clown at her birthday party, thinking how she wants to be a clown now, someday too. Or in a pretty dress chosen by mum. Sitting in front of a dollhouse with her friends. Or wearing an Easter bonnet mum made for the Easter bonnet competition.

I don’t look at these photos often, but I do recognise her now, and the ones of me older, all made up. Not as foreign as they once were

Another song I listened to today, and have been thinking about is Baby Girl by Sugarland

That was the song I included in Paper Doll for my parents:

remember me in ribbons and pearls

I still love you more than anything in the world

Love your baby girl

A v good song, and one that reminds me that no matter what has happened to me, often mentally, sometimes a physical illness, they have stood by me always

I’m very lucky and grateful for my family

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