Sweet but psycho - Ava Max

I’m choosing this one for sentimental reasons. I listened to this song in hospital with psychosis and it reassured me that psychosis was something I could make attractive, and normal. Genuinely. Those were two of my genuine fears, at the time.

Making mental illnesses palatable is no mean feat, especially the darker ones like psychosis schizophrenia and bpd. You don’t want people to think you’re strange, or scare them off. Your brain doesn’t work sometimes, it malfunctions, that’s all. You take medication for it. Just like someone would for a physical illness. Treat the wound.

But some people think you’re crazy, insane, imbalanced, dangerous, and potentially a threat to society. That was one of my biggest concerns. People would think I was dangerous

My ex told me that his friends told him not to go round to my house to collect his stuff after we broke up. I asked why. He said “I don’t know, maybe because they though you’d attack me”

The word psychosis gets some funny looks but I’ve accepted my diagnosis, sometimes it’s referred to as schizophrenia, sometimes psychosis. I’m happy with both tbh. My grandad had schizophrenia from an early age. Obviously it was very different back then. His treatment was lesser than mine in so many ways. He had to be more robust, and there was a language barrier too. He must have felt so misunderstood

When I had psychosis I’d see photos of my grandparents all the time round the house. I felt like they were watching, protecting and guiding me.

I felt like he understood most what it was going through

It felt nice to be understood

Another good song by Ava Max is So Am I - that one makes me think of Baby

“So let me tell you bout my little secret, I’m a little crazy underneath this. Do you ever feel like a misfit? Everything inside you is dark and twisted,”

“It’s okay to be different, because baby so am I”

“So dressed so fancy, like Sid and Nancy… so Baby come pass me a lighter, we’re gonna leave them on fire.”

Baby was a persona I adopted at a young age as armour, a defence against society and peoples expectations of how I should look, dress and act.

For more info, check previous blog posts, I’m not going to go into too much detail today as I’ve covered a lot on Baby and my identity disorder so far

I’ll just say you’re not alone, there are people out there with similar issues, and you’re never as weird as you think you are

"I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I'm here, and I’m just as strange as you." - Frida Kahlo

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