Sheila - Jamie T

I listened to this while I was recovering from my identity disorder. I related to many characters in various songs, and Sheila was one

My reasons were not always solid, for deciding I was a character in a song I liked

For Sheila it was because:

No one saw her coming

She was disillusioned with men, and disliked them/ view them all to be the same, yet ended up ‘poured all over a fella’ despite the fact that ‘he ain’t no better, than the next man kicking up fuss’

She drank a lot

I listened to this song a lot and once knew most of the words to it, it came on in clubs sometimes when I was younger. I was rarely, if ever, in a club happy. Sometimes I lived for nights out, as a release, chance to drink myself silly. Fall down stairs, collect bruises, attach myself to the nearest man who paid attention. While simultaneously trying to dodge unwanted advances, gropes and wandering hands. Being touched, without consent, is so commonplace on a night out that it is barely worth mentioning

One night my drink was potentially spiked, but my drinking was pretty bad by that point. No one believed me. It caused tension between me and my friends and they staged an intervention. That night I had to be carried into the house, I ran away while at the club and was taken by to the club by a strange man I bumped into. Pure luck

We all do stupid hopeless things when we’re sad, I was very sad. We text our ex, sleep with a stranger, take unknown substances, and drink so much that no one believes we were actually spiked

I used to injure myself a lot too, when I drank

It took a while to realise it was depression, and not just the fact that I was ‘always a bit sad’ since .. Since when.

That was what I always tried to pinpoint. The moment things changed. And it was when I became Baby of course

The other side of me. My alter ego, persona, couldn’t live with it without her

So many things about Baby are vague, and hard to pinpoint, remember, or explain. But some things I know for sure:

I was a very happy child

My adolescence was miserable

She died/ faded out/ the identity ended

I was happier once she was gone

She hid behind make up and carefully chosen clothing

She was trying to achieve an ideal feminine archetype

Baby would never cry in public and rarely showed emotion, including smiling or laughter

Therefore I felt like she was unhuman side of me, the more prominent the identity became, the less human I felt

To conclude, trying to pursue perfection, dieting, and starvation, and comparing yourself to others, carving yourself out into a separate identity, nothing like you, skinnier and shinier and prettier - will only ever make you miserable

You deserve better, can achieve happiness despite thinking you never will, and owe it to yourself and the people that love you to try

Sending love and happiness your way

Another song to those struggling that I listened to and relate to my depression : Swim - Jacks Mannequin

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