I listened to this song during my breakdown, before I was hospitalised for psychosis. I was voluntary the first time and sectioned the second. Both are two very different experiences of being a patient on a psychiatric ward.
Being voluntary means that you get more privileges on the ward, walks, leave, more access to your own belongings
Sectioned means everything you do is viewed with suspicion. You get less freedom, fresh air, and privileges
My time in hospital was traumatic, when I was sectioned mostly. Your suddenly stuck in a building, freedom gone, I was denied fresh air for a month, that’s so strange to me. I was observed constantly.
But I got better, recovered, and am still in recovery. I met nice people. I healed
Everyone who treated me treated me with kindness, but i was held down and forcibly injected simply because I refused medication. It might have also been my screaming, that played a part
After getting out of hospital I abandoned my book for a while, that i was writing. ‘Paper Doll’
I was too tired. I was on medication that made my heart race 10 times the speed it was supposed to. I spent a night in hospital for it, begging the doctor to override the prescription and say I didn’t need that medication, that it was bad for me
Having an autoimmune disorder at the time complicated things, I didn’t know whether it was a serious medical issue or not. But I was always on alert about my health, I still am to an extent.
Health anxiety is a common mental illness, mine flares up when something in my body feels off, changes, something in my routine changes, or someone dies
Baby, in some ways, was more robust than me. She could power through, take my hand in hers, squeeze it, say “i’ve got this, i’ll take this one” Then take the wheel. I could be her for hours at a time, days, weeks, months. Taking breathers when I: was with family, slept, took my make up off
However, she was fragile too, often having breakdowns, that was the human in her, breaking through. She wasn’t a robot, as people often insinuated. She wasn’t a ghost girl, or a doll, or a mannequin. She was a carefully crafted and far too human identity. With her hands shaking. blinking back tears, and downing drinks
This song isn’t one of her songs, it’s more one of mine, and it’s relevant to me at the moment
“she still gets shaky, but not too often” makes me think of my health anxiety, but it is the end of the song that resonates the most
is it possible, to leave behind, all of those dark days and sleepless nights, the madness and the terror of your past - to get to a different life, a second life almost, a brighter shade of blue?
I hope so