Queens Don't - RaeLynn

I used to listen to this while writing Paper Doll, while I had psychosis, before I was hospitalised

I loved it

It takes me back even now, my laptop open, headphones in, spinning in the big chair

I had dreams, goals, a vision, even then in the middle of madness

I was going to achieve something, be someone, even mad

I reasoned with myself, a lot of mad people did big things, it opened doors for you

Charles Bukowski, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf

In fact a lot of creative people have mental health problems, they’re often writers or artists It wasn’t the end for me, it was just the beginning

But I was confused, I did almost an entire business studies diploma determined I was meant to work on the world of business studies. I was hospitalised before it was completed, by the time I got out I’d been locked out of the site. I did another diploma in child psychology after that so it’s fine, but still

I didn’t know what I wanted, or was meant to do

So I started writing, I thought, as part of my business plan, books get you exposure, I’d release a book and start a business

I wrote the book, that’s out now, Girl Behind the Mask

And there’s also Paper Doll which I wrote out of hospital, and parts I wrote on the psychiatric ward

While hospitalised, I talked about this in the most recent episode of my podcast, I didn’t leave the ward for a month to begin with I was so unwell. I refused medication and was held down and forcibly injected. It’s horrible to feel such a loss of power and control. All of a sudden you find yourself trapped in this building, having to ask permission or be granted it for the smallest things, a pen for example

Then there’s the screaming, the alarms, the insomnia, the repetition, the boredom, the highs lows and extremes of the environment

Being sectioned is worse than being voluntary by far, I’ve been both and you have far less privileges

But it worked, I recovered, am still in recovery, and am now pursuing my dreams

I released my first album today, Standing in the Ashes, seventeen songs that I wrote and sang

I have two books and six singles out, a podcast, a shopify and a blog

I’m constantly trying to build something out of nothing, build a career, a future, out of doing things I love and enjoy

It’s more of a hobby for now really, all of my pursuits, and I don’t know where I’ll go career wise but I'll probably

start small - everyone has to start somewhere

But at the same time I can pursue my dreams, I’m lucky to be able to do so