Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex

Autoimmune part 2

My family loved me, more than anything, but even they couldn't protect me from the autoimmune illness. It was, as with all my other mental illnesses, invisible, so hard to detect, and not very common or well heard of.

It took two years to be diagnosed properly, and in the meantime I scoured the internet ruling out diseases, ordering supplements, trying out diets, writing down recipes, and scared to my core.

In the beginning I was manic, running from doctor to doctor, searching for answers. I cover the whole indescribably painful experience better in my books - it was hell. Private, lonely, repetitive, painful, empty, limiting, and isolating.

That was the worst part. It felt like screaming and no one hearing. I finally understood that saying. I was doing everything i could to save my life, and everyone thought i had hypochondria

"when one is pretending the entire body revolts"

- Anias Nin

"We must kill the false women who is preventing the live one from breathing"

- The laugh of the medusa

and (on anorexia) "we forget that it is a violent act, that it bespeaks a profound level of anger toward and fear, of the self"

- Maria Hornbacher, from Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

Baby was the reason I was in so much pain, I'd bent over backwards like a contortionist trying to be her, maintain the identity. I'd starved, and cried, and died inside. My body couldn't take it any more by nineteen. We'd been doing this since twelve. It protested

I love this song because i see it from multiple points of view. One is Baby to me, a protective twin, nothings gonna hurt you. I won't let them hurt you, make you cry, break your heart, not twice, never again. As long as you've got me, we've got each other. You're safe.

And me to Baby. No one gonna take you from my side. I won't let them. I can't let you go, ever. When she was broken, who patched her up, stitched up the wounds, cleaned her face, wiped her eyes, put her back into a pretty face, did her make up. I did. Fuck them. We had each other

Until the amnesia, that's another story for another day. It all sounds like a fictional story, so you can understand why i had to write two books a blog and multiple songs about it all

Spending so long feeling unheard was very painful. It helps me heal to write it all out, and maybe, who knows, it will provide comfort or use to someone else

Samaritans is 116 123 to anyone who needs it

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