Lost without you - Freya Ridings

I know this is a love song, but as always, I interpret it about Baby

Naturally, as most people listen to love songs, and think of their alter ego, persona, identity disorder

For a decade it was me and Baby, against the world, she genuinely was my safe haven. I was entirely lost without her I didn’t know what clothes I liked wearing, how I would do my hair, how I would do my make up. I struggled to talk, because the wind had been knocked out of me mentally and physically. Being Baby made me ill physically, autoimmune disorders are often developed as a result of malnutrition and stress, I had anorexia and I was stressed 24/7

As much as I adored her, and loved being her as I grew up. It was painful, an ache I could never quite understand, it was everything to me but it was excruciating

“You said you wanna see the world and I said go” makes me think of Baby saying that to me, letting me be the person I was always meant to be, without her

I didn’t need her anymore - it was time to become a woman instead of a girl, and that meant outgrowing my identity disorder too

“standing on the platform, watching you go, it’s like no other pain, I’ve ever known” Is so accurate too

I like to think she just got on a train, or the line “there’s a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair” instead of the reality, which was that she died inside me

It sounds dark and it was

It coincided with the loss of my Nonna - the grief for both her and Baby, shaped the psychosis that followed

It’s all very complicated and I deal with it in more detail in my books Paper Doll and Girl Behind the Mask

Sending love to anyone struggling as always

Samaritans is 116 123