John Hughes Movie - Maisie Peters

I’ve always wanted my life to be like a movie, since I was a little girl. It’s a cliche for a reason. We grow up on fairytales, and rom coms. I adored the Disney princesses, I insisted on rewinding ‘the kiss’ in every film I watched with my friends. Then I hit twelve

Suddenly boys were looking, and commenting, and calling me fat. I shed the weight fast, to fit in, a means of survival. It worked the comments stopped. Gradually over time we realised I had anorexia, but in the beginning, it was a success story. I had gone from fat to thin. If you have anorexia when you were fat to start with people congratulate you. And even though you feel like you’re in the makeover scene, it feels hollow and unlike a success, even then.

In my book Paper Doll I made a playlist (well, I made many) but one was for the makeover scene so I might include that

It felt less and less like a movie as the years went on. My first kiss was a drunken kiss at a party, fireworks did not go off, there was no band playing, it wasn’t under the moon, we never spoke after

The depression years were full of drunken incidents, accidents, bruises and battles scars. I grew up unconventionally. Childhood trauma affects you in many ways. One of which is that it can stunt your growth. I have always been childlike, vulnerable and naive in some ways to the extent that people comment. Or feel the need to protect me from the world, that has already hurt me in so many ways

I have had many mental illnesses aside from anorexia and depression, including body dysmorphia, ocd, psychosis and an identity disorder

The final one is what is most of this blog is about. Baby. Understanding her, knowing her, grieving her, saying goodbye, celebrating her, and remembering her.

Because her, she, was me. She’s gone, but I have a huge place in my heart for her, because that was ten years, a decade, so it takes years to process.

While I was putting the pieces together, I saw it like a film too. I started doing “in this scene” in my head, and tried writing some of the book from the perspective of a girl with an identity disorder who thought her life was a movie.

The main time I remember doing in this scene was on two occasions actually. In a hospital bed, on a side they’d given me for the night, when my medication was making my heart beat too fast and irregularly, and when I was being tested at the local surgery. I was strapped up to a machine. Both times I was scared and needed reassurance that this was bigger than me, and going somewhere

For me I feel like I've healed so much, I've written two books about it, am pursuing an album, and have this blog. I feel so lucky, to have been given the time and space to heal surrounded by people I love. Not everyone has that opportunity, or the right people around them. Or the resources I've been given

I want to give something back. Whether that's money or time, or both, I know my life will always involve mental health advocacy

Especially the lesser known and talked about mental illnesses such as psychosis, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder which are often feared or misinterpreted

“delicate things

girl, you’ve got grit under your nails

that could bring a grown man to his knees.

that unforgiving powder keg in your chest has been lighting up like midday in July and you are not afraid of bursting.

this is how you kept standing.

this is how you were strong

enough, to dig the fear out of your chest

and brave enough to let it back in.

with every dark thought you’ve ever had,

in a row on your bedside table:

you kiss each one goodnight,

and again each morning.

years back, you stopped trying to file down

the sharper sides of you.

because you are not a

history with all the bad parts

burned out,

you are a monument

pulled up from the belly

of the sea.

teeth like a leviathan,

you open your maw and let the water in.

and every wave that

crashed against you

every hand print

left seared

on your thighs,

you gave it a name

and a goodbye,

and stretched up towards the sunlight.

if people could see the monsters and the flowers

in the framework of you, they would fall to their knees.

they would kiss your feet.

count your name as holy- love you like gospel.

you’ve been walking through fire, since they first put you on your feet

and you are not afraid to blister, any more than you are afraid to cry.

and every mouth who has

been scared to love you,

never knew exactly why.”

- Ashe Vernon

“A feminist is a woman who tells the truth about her life.”

- Virginia Woolf

“if outside validation is your only source of nourishment you will hunger for the rest of your life.”

"I want to dye my hair and lose ten pounds and straighten my teeth and be the girl of your dreams."- r.i.d

“There is a glass girl in my head. If I ask too many questions

she will shatter.”

Impacts of childhood trauma:

Neurobiological Impacts:

- Disrupted development

- Hallucinations

- Depression/mental health challenges

- Panic attacks

- Anxiety

- Impaired memory

- Dissociation

- Flashbacks

Health risks:

- Self injury

- Eating disorders

- Repetition of trauma

- Suicide attempts

- Physical inactivity

- Alcohol and/or drug abuse

"it's the part of the movie where

the audience is yelling at the screen,

where they're telling you to turn back,

to go home,

but you keep walking away from the ones who love you

and you're crying,

and your mother is crying

for the daughter who isn't her daughter

and everyone knows how it'll end already

and maybe you do too

but you keep running

and running

until the sky is a hole

and you want to trip into it."

- Y.Z

the bridges we forgave

Heres's a link to my new single Sixteen on Youtube, if anyone is interested x

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