I bet you think about me - Taylor Swift

I wanted to choose a new Taylor song for my latest blog post and I’ve been listening to this one on repeat so it seemed fitting

Especially the line “oh my god, she’s insane, she wrote a song about me” Because that’s me to a T

But also because this song makes me nostalgic for past, and more recent, versions of myself who got burnt by men she dated

I write a lot on my blog about mental illness, but less about romance and dating And because of my song choice I thought I would venture into that for one (and one only) blog post.

I write a lot about past relationships and ex’s in my songs, and referred to them in my books I’ve had my heart broken a few times, to varying degrees.

My first time was at 21, I was young, naive and had never had a serious relationship. I threw myself in head first and got dropped from a height.

Not his fault, to him, he was just ending a relationship that wasn’t working.

To me, I was hurt badly, and shortly after developed dissociative amnesia, therefore forgetting the whole relationship and who he was.

Dissociation is common, dissociative amnesia not so much, but it happens in some cases, when the traumas pile up on top of each other. Your brain is searching for a way to block out the trauma, so it wipes the slate clean. Presses delete. But instead of erasing the memories, it pushes them away, to view them from a distance.

So it all feels like something that happened to someone else.

I was devastated, heartbroken, over that, it just coincided with the end of the relationship too.

It wasn’t even really a relationship to be honest.

It was something short lived and fleeting.

But when you’re broken you can cling to those relationships, building them into something bigger, trying to build temporary homes in temporary people.

Anyway my breakdown was shortly after that and I developed psychosis, and was sectioned. I’ve gone into detail about that many times so I won’t now

I’ll just say it was painful, but it passes, is treatable, and isn’t weird.

You’re not strange and you’re not alone

Anyway. Back to the song. I write a lot in my songs about ghosts. Both being haunted by past ex’s and mistakes, and wanting to haunt and be a ghost. I think this song encaptures that - especially the line “harder to forget than I was to leave”

Before I end this disjointed post, I would like to make it clear I’ve been a fan of Taylor Swift since Love Story, but that’s irrelevant because even if you’re a new fan, you’re no less of a fan - some people just accuse others of jumping on the bandwagon

Suffering from mental illness can make dating difficult, sometimes you throw yourself into it not wanting to be alone with your thoughts, other times you need to take time out to heal alone.

Wherever you are in your journey with dating, I hope you’re okay within yourself, and it’s going well

Sending love and Samaritans is 116 123

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