Forever Winter - Taylor Swift

After the psychosis I was very depressed. I’m now on anti depressants for it, and it’s under control. Medication isn’t for everyone, it wasn’t for me, but I had no choice really.

When I was sectioned with psychosis they forced me into it and forcibly injected me whenever I refused it. I’d scream, resist them. It was useless and I was powerless.

That’s how being sectioned can make you feel.

I gained weight, lost hair, and my skin suffered from stress and my refusal to go make up free for eight weeks

I was devastated. My life used to revolve around my appearance and weight especially. I had to be pretty. It was of the utmost importance in my life. Pretty and thin

I wasn’t attractive anymore

I felt suicidal, I even took an overdose, but now I couldn’t imagine not wanting my life

I love it, even the darkest parts, and I’m lucky for that, I cling to it, because depression can be so heavy to carry and it isn’t just a phase

My depression will probably come and go for the rest of my life, I don’t know how long I’ll have to be on medication for yet, for both my psychosis and depression. It might be permanent

But as long as you have tools to cope you can survive it

I also had depression when I was younger, and I think this is important to mention, because I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know what was happening to me. Same with the anorexia, same with the social anxiety

When you’re a child you don’t have an awareness of mental illness

That’s why educating children is so important, I would have coped better without that level of confusion, misunderstanding, and loneliness

For anyone who needs it Samaritans is 116 123

and there is currently a #postyourpill campaign taking place on instagram

this is for anyone who feels capable and confident enough to, to post about their medication use, even just a photo of their pill with the hashtag, to publicly encourage others to embrace medication and not feel ashamed

I remember when I had an autoimmune condition I was very embarrassed about the amount of supplements I had to take, I felt like my body needed reminders to work properly

At the same time It strengthened my relationship with my body. In being so broken, I knew how hard it was fighting for me, and its appearance no longer mattered. Only it’s health

These days I will talk openly about my medication and mental illnesses, which is a huge contrast to the days in which I would hide them, it’s so important to talk. If you can’t talk, write

Even if you’re not a writer, even if no one reads it but you

It helps to keep diaries and remember how you felt that day five years ago, when you dig out that diary to read

I ripped up my diaries when I had psychosis. They meant so much to me

I miss them sometimes, and wish I hadn’t

I am a very sentimental person, but I was creating something and my need to gather the pieces together overtook my sentimentality

I’d rip out photos and quotes and extracts and lyrics and sort them into piles

This was all for Paper Doll, which became an e-book now available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble Nook, and a paperback version is also available on Amazon and Waterstones online

Paper Doll got me through some of my darkest times, it was a light in the dark, and guided me through

I’m very proud of it, regardless of it’s many mistakes, which I will maintain add to it’s charm and reinforce the message that beauty is in the imperfections

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