"I was still a child, didn't get the chance to feel the water round me. Had no time to choose, what I chose to do. So go easy on me"
I love this song
it speaks to me, very directly and distinctly, about my childhood trauma
The anorexia, and the identity disorder
I'm always hoping people will treat me gently, because I'm so broken, and it began so young
And the worlds not like that, people expect you to grow up fast, swallow your broken heart, and never mention it again
That's an exaggeration, but some do
There's often accusations of attention seeking, but sometimes you need to speak, or in my case write, to heal
I was younger than twelve when I first started throwing my food away at school. A friends mum was doing weightwatchers and we discussed trying to diet ourselves.
A girl told her mum, who told my mum I was throwing food in the bin at school and thatw as the end of that.
It reared it's head again at twelve, after teasing and comments from boys in my year. Everyone who had ever been asked out as a joke will understand. It gets under your skin
So I decided to do something about it, and Baby was born
She was born in a toilet cubicle as I sobbed over yet another incident, the final straw for me
I thought of the girls in my year, who were deemed pretty or attractive. They got preferential treatment. I wanted that
So I starved, and carved, and lied and died until I achieved it
It took one summer to shed the weight, but there was more to it than that
Baby became a persona, character, and a separate identity later on
For one year, it was just anorexia mostly. I looked different. But i was at the same school, with the same people. And I retained a lot of my identity
I changed parts of my personality and image to fit in, and always have since
It took getting psychosis for me to stop.