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Daydream Believer - The Monkees

I love this song for two reasons

it makes me think of mum because it was through her that I first heard it, and because it makes me think of Baby. A daydream believer and a (sort of) homecoming queen. Also, chronic pain, depression and bouts of insomnia made me sleepy Jean. I love this song. Cheer up sleepy jean, oh what can it mean, to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen-just captures my identity disorder perfectly to me. I wanted both. To be an arty, daydreamer who wrote her songs and books and loved expression, messiness and creativity. And to be a perfectionist walking talking human doll, who agonised over her appearance, personality and identity to within an inch of her life. Funnily enough, the two contradict, you cannot be both, and at some point you have to choose. I chose me. Reluctantly, after a breakdown and dissociative amnesia. I decided that maybe it was time to let Baby go. It was very painful, agonising. It took time and soul searching and writing and listening to music, crying in the shower, sleepless nights and three hospital stays in a psychiatric ward. Out of this all this paper doll was born. One of my proudest achievements to date alongside my A level results. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, and your pain can lead to making beautiful things. As Merck Streep once said “take your broken heart and make it into art.” I love that quote, and try to follow it as often as I can. I wrote songs constantly about mental health and failed relationships. Baby is complicated to explain, but she means a lot to me. I was her once, I loved being her so deeply I never wanted to stop and I want to explain her, keep her alive, and do her memory justice. As weird as that sounds.

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