Dancing with your Ghost - Sasha Alex Sloan

This song just fits perfectly with my identity disorder. All of the lyrics Baby I’m still your girl How do I love, how do I trust again? Wait till I hear our song Every night I’m dancing with your ghost

I miss her all the time, at the same time I don’t

I wish I still looked like her, sure, but I don’t miss the straightjacket I always wore, the bending and breaking, especially my heart, the starving, the lack of emotion and feeling, the lack of periods, the numbness and the ache that came with being Baby

I stay up all night, I had insomnia so that line fits too

She was me, and I was her, and we were one person, but two

I know, as with a lot of songs I listen to intended for couples, it’s intended in a different way from a different perspective. But for me? This song is about me and Baby, it’s our song

I feel much freer without her, but I did grieve and mourn her. The grieve was dark and psychotic and heavy , but it’s over now and I’m healing, in recovery

I don’t know yet exactly what it was - my best guess is an identity disorder, but that has never been diagnosed, and even if it was there are different kinds, there’s dissociative identity disorders and I know I had dissociative amnesia and bouts of dissociation so idk

All I know is she was there, and she wasn’t me, she was a character, persona, alter ego that I created to survive (peoples societal expectations)

People seemed to like her more than me at thirteen, so I kept her around. I didn’t want anyone to break my heart again. Not after last time. So I wore Baby as a mask, and armour

There’s a very dark element to it

You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman, you are your own voyeur - Margaret Atwood

Baby was born out of teasing from boys

The boys at school didn’t think I was pretty, and called me fat

I spent a decade trying to live within constraints set out for me by twelve year old boys

Believing that the men and boys around me saw me through those lenses

The unlearning is taking so long

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