This song makes me think strongly of my identity disorder. How it began. I was no princess, I was carrying a lot of weight, I often sported my natural hair and no make up. But after enough teasing that soon changed.
I've told this story enough times, most recently in my new book Bye Bye, Baby (available on Amazon both as a paperback and Kindle version) and yet every time I rehash it I feel like I've healed a little more, as if someone out there is listening
But I think chances are anyone reading this knows pretty much the whole sad story
I returned to school after the summer holidays a different person
Literally
These days I'm fairly sure i was suffering from DID (dissociative identity disorder)
At the time? As far as I was concerned i didn't even have anorexia despite losing half my body weight
I returned with straightened hair, the best make up I could do with no guidance, and the unofficial school uniform which consisted of a tight top and short skirt
I don't know what I thought would happen, I don't think i got that far
I was so busy starving myself and executing this makeover
That I didn't have time to think ahead, or look back
There were huge gaps in my memory as i blocked out the ugly duckling years
I was quite practical and ruthless in my pursuit of this impossible perfection
That didn't change as I got older
When I thought there were problems with my face ay seventeen , that I couldn't cover, I wouldn't leave the house
No one could make me eat, be seen in public, go back to school
If i had made my mind up, that was it, it was for the best
The turning point for me was after the death of my Nonna
I loved her so much
I fell apart
The pretence was coming to an end
I couldn't maintain it anymore
I ended up hospitalised, and diagnosed with schizophrenia, although apparently that is a common misdiagnosis when it comes to DID
I don't know, Im not a doctor
The diagnosis doesn't matter so much to me, I know what happened. What I felt. What i'e read about DID and how it matches up to my experiences
That's all i need for now
Nobody, nobody was tender and trusting as she was. But people like you abused her, and forced her to change.
written by Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire
(via wordsnquotes)
(via gingerrroot)
Say alone. Forty times. Pair it with
the desert. Say it. Alone. Alone. Alone.
Say the words plain, she says. Say it plain.
Say it outright. Alone. Don’t get poetic.
Say I. Say me. Say I am alone. Own it. I am alone.
written by Jeanann Verlee, from The Session (via a-pair-of-ragged-claws)(via afterenlightenment)
I ached to be so beautiful / I hardly knew anything yet— written by Kaveh Akbar, from “Learning to Pray,” Portrait of the Alcoholic (via lifeinpoetry)(via cgcpoems)
You’re back again,
and I’ve forgotten
everything I’ve learned in your
absence. I give you my knees,
my thighs, my hands,
and you take them because
you think I know better now.
This is the problem.
I disappear inside of you
and make you fish me back
out when it’s all over.
I call myself Lonely so that when
you come along, I forget my name.
This is the problem.
I don’t know how to keep myself
when you’re around.
I don’t know how to let love
inside and follow after it.
I don’t know how to
keep the keys.
So if I ever tell you that
I still haven’t figured out how
to kiss like I’m not giving
] something away, don’t laugh.
Don’t tell me I’m being dramatic
or that my poet is showing.
I am an empty bed for you,
do you understand?
I am a vacant hand.
I am a broken record that will
only sing your name
and it isn’t pretty,
the way I give myself,
my magic away like it’s nothing.
It isn’t pretty at all.
written by Caitlyn Siehl, “the Well and the Wisher” (via alonesomes)
Hal: Well, let’s say that since you were little, you always dreamed of getting a lion. And you wait, and you wait, and you wait, and you wait but the lion doesn’t come. And along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe.
Oliver: I’d wait for the lion.
Hal: That’s why I worry about you.
written by Beginners (2010)Mar 14th
“What do ruined people do? Weird shit
The traumatised self, creates, out of necessity, a system of self-care
that is keen to avoid repeat trauma. It pushes people away, and creates, unnecessary drama”
Emily Rumpus, Grief Magic
‘Cause if we don’t leave this town,
we might never make it out.
I was not born to drown,Baby come on.
Samaritans : 116 123
Beat for eating disorder : Help for England Helpline: 0808 801 0677 Email: help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk Help for Scotland Helpline: 0808 801 0432 Email: Scotlandhelp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk Help for Wales Helpline: 0808 801 0433 Email: Waleshelp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk Help for Northern Ireland Helpline: 0808 801 0434 Email: NIhelp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk and finally the most disappointing part : Support groups specifically for people with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), are not established practice in the UK. Some DID survivors have attended sexual abuse survivor groups (not DID specific), well-being groups and mental health peer support.
I hope you heal and find what therapy or practise works for you :)
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