Blue Bannisters - Lana Del Rey

I’ve had my heart broken a few times. When I stopped being Baby. When Nonna died. The boys that broke my heart. The psychosis. The dissociative amnesia. Each mental illness, uniquely painful and heartbreaking in its own way

But this song makes me think about women and sisterhood, and my friends. Like in this song, there are three of us, and we grew up together. We know each other, and love each other. And always try to patch up the wounds, for each other.

I’ve recently grown disillusioned with dating, not men, I’ve always been disillusioned with men. At the same time I thought I was living in a disney film, fairytale, I was just waiting for happy ever after. Things were bad now, but they’d get good soon. Very soon. Any time now

I haven’t quite shaken it, but I’ve stopped thinking of the happy ending being a man, which is an achievement in itself

Because we are conditioned to, women, from a young age. He will save us, and our life after his arrival will be fixed when it was once broken

Instead I’m now thinking of the career, the achievements, the peace that might be to come - the future instead of the individual

I love the men in my life more than I can possibly explain, but they differ from the women in my life in that they’re less patient

I require a lot of patience

Mental illness makes you dependant on other people for support, financial, physical and emotional

When you have a chronic physical illness at the same time as an illness such as depression, amnesia or psychosis it makes things even more complicated; and you even more reliant on others for help

I would over compensate, apply for jobs I couldn’t do, study, and try and achieve qualifications, write a book

I still do

I can’t be still. I need to be doing something whether it’s a blog, podcast, album or book I need to have projects on the go

It keeps my mind busy, satisfies me creatively, and helps me keep the promise I made to myself in one of my earlier songs

“I’ll build you a city out of shattered glass”

But I know if I achieve my dreams I won’t have done it single handedly

There’s my mum, whose been there throughout every single breakdown without wavering

My aunt, who has too

My best friends

Alix once painted my room, funnily enough, blue, when I was in the middle of something painful, and away on holiday

I came home to a new room, just like I wanted

My friends always know how to cheer me up, I feel at home with them, and never had to be Baby instead of myself unless we were in public

Another good song from Lana Del Rey is If You Lie Down With Me

That one makes me think about Baby, this one is more me. How I’ve been hurt by men and healed by women

And of course, my dad and brother xxx

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